INVENTORY OF INCIDENT WITH ALIYA ON 5/21/2022

First, I didn’t communicate honestly: When Rebekah asked me early that morning to help her with the kids by taking them fishing, I should have said “NO,” and explained that I didn’t sleep well, that I had a head/ear-ache, and that I needed to get more rest

Second, I didn’t take care of my critical needs first—I didn’t take my ADHD medication before doing anything else. I didn’t have any water in easily accessible—and was worried that hunting down water and taking the time to take my medication would be a burden on Rebekah—actually, I was afraid that she would get mad at me for taking too long to take the kids fishing—so I went upstairs to start the process of helping Rebekah without taking my medication.

THE ABOVE TWO ITEMS SHOW THAT I AM CODEPENDENT: I didn’t communicate my true needs, wants, expectations, preferences, commitments, or feelings to Rebekah because they would have required that I say “NO” to her, and I am so codependent that I almost always say “YES” in order to avoid her being unhappy, having to negotiate, possible conflict or being lectured.

When Jonny was misbehaving, I didn’t pause what I was doing to help Jonny and address his needs—(I had left the master bedroom, where Rebekah was going back to sleep, and gone downstairs to the kitchen where I was now eating breakfast)—so that I could address Jonny’s needs in a constructive way. The most constructive way I know to help Jonny when he is in his freaking-out mood is to pause whatever I am doing and focus 100% on him in a calm way—calm in both tone and volume and action—and taking him with me on a walk into a different environment (into a different room, down the street, etc.). Instead of doing this, I used my default technique—the one that allows me to “kind of” deal with him without having to stop what I am doing—I don’t think it has ever worked (at best it has only kept him at bay and delayed me having to stop what I was doing). This technique involves me pointing out how ridiculous he is being by teasing him about how he is acting or what he is saying. (I think my primary purpose in using this technique is for me to not have to pause what I am doing, but my secondary purpose for using it is my faulty belief that he will stop if he just sees how ridiculous he is being. It has never worked.

ITEM 4 ABOVE RESULTED IN HAILEY GETTING FRUSTRATED WITH ME BECAUSE SHE FELT I WAS BEING MEAN TO JONNY—ALSO, I WAS BEING SHORT WITH HER AND THE OTHER KIDS AS WE TRIED TO PACK THE CAR TO GO FISHING—SO SHE STARTED TALKING TO ME IN AN INSULTING AND DEMEANING WAY (AT LEAST I PERCEIVED IT THAT WAY).

I felt hurt by Hailey’s treatment toward me—but, what should I have expected?—I deserved to be treated negatively by Hailey—you get back what you send out, and I was sending out short, snappish comments and negative vibes—it makes total sense that she would send back the same negativity.

ITEM 6 ABOVE IS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF WHAT THE AA BIG BOOK TEACHES THAT IF WE LOOK BACK ENOUGH, WE WILL SEE THAT WE WERE THE CAUSE OF ALL OUR ILLS—PEOPLE MAY HAVE MISTREATED US, BUT WE LAID THE GROUNDWORK FOR THEM TO DO SO.

The one thing I did right so far in this whole incident is that I took some time while packing the van to intentionally identify and evaluate my feelings. I was feeling hurt, humiliated, and emotionally unsafe. After this short pause, I went into the house and started to tell Hailey in a constructive way how I felt. I explained to her that I felt emotionally unsafe when she talked that way to me.

Hailey acknowledged my feelings and that they were reasonable. This was really cool of her.

But then, Aliya charged over to the top of the stairs—Hailey was sitting about halfway up the stairs and I was at the bottom on the entry landing of the front door—loudly accusing me of being manipulative and, by implication, lying about my feelings. (I felt that Aliya's accusation was totally false, I was not trying to be manipulative, I was trying to use a skill that I had been taught recently: to pay attention to my feelings and communicate them. And, it had been going well with Hailey. I felt that Hailey and I were communicating constructively, and that we were reconciling.)

When I explained to Hailey that “I felt unsafe when she spoke to me that way,” she got a thoughtful look on her face and said “I can see that.”

Her validation of my feelings felt so good. I felt connected with her and was right on the point of apologizing for my poor behavior earlier that morning.

That is when Aliya attacked. She charged over to the top of the stairs from either the kitchen or living room and said “No you’re not”—meaning you’re not feeling unsafe—“your being manipulative.” Everything about her, from her tone, her volume, her body language, her facial expression, and her manner and style of approach indicated that she was feeling angry and confrontational.

I tried to reason with her and calmly clarified that I was feeling “emotionally unsafe” not just “unsafe,” but she disregarded my attempted explanation and again asserted, “no you’re not, you’re just being manipulative; you need to leave.”

My emotional reaction to this statement was to feel extremely emotionally unsafe—if my own daughter could command me to leave the house and actually expected me to obey, what place did I have in the family? Did I have any?

At this point, I reverted to my default method for dealing with negative feelings—such as embarrassment, fear, humiliation, sadness, feeling powerless, etc.—and became angry and aggressive. (This is the method I learned as a child, and it continued far too long into adulthood.)

I told Aliya that if anyone was going to leave, it was going to be her, not me. I then walked up the stairs and stood about 8-12 inches away from her with my face and body toward her and my back to the stairs. My left shoulder and arm were touching the wall that extended from the stairs into the kitchen on an angle.

We stood there in a stand-off, each waiting for the other to back down. It seemed like a long time but was probably only a matter of seconds. However, I wasn’t going to wait forever, especially with the stairs going down behind me. With one shove—if she caught me off balance or by surprise—she could send me head over heals down the stairs, which was a very dangerous possibility.

So, I raised my hands with the intention of placing them on her shoulders or biceps so that I could then walk into the living room—thereby moving her from her place and winning the stand-off and simultaneously putting myself in a much safer physical position away from the stairs.

In response to raising my hands, she raised hers and we locked arms, with my hands on her biceps. In this context of strength, she didn’t stand a chance—I walked into the living area, between the kitchen island and the living room, without much in the way of physical resistance.

I need to point out a few things that occurred when we locked arms.

The first is that I noticed how thin she was.

The second is that she closed her eyes.

The third is that her upper body, and especially her head and neck began shaking or moving around in something like a massive epileptic seizure.

I did not shake her. Nor did I do anything else to cause her spasming. I believe that it was either an involuntary reaction to the fear she felt when we locked arms, or it was a voluntary action as she took “evasive action” to avoid blows she erroneously thought might be coming.

My anger immediately left, because as soon as we locked arms and she started spasming, I could tell she was terrified. I did not want to scare her, and I was saddened by her obvious fear.

After getting about eight or ten feet away from the stairs, I was desirous to put an end to this exchange. I calmly looked around for anything I could use to extricate myself and noticed a few things.

First, I noticed that Aliya was in a deep stance with her left leg forward and her right leg back.

Second, she wasn’t shaking anymore.

Third, her eyes were still shut, and she had a determined look on her face, which I interpreted as an indication that she was determined to not yield another inch of ground.

I wanted to end this confrontation, but I did not feel safe just letting go. I had no idea what might happen if I did. I felt she might fall into me or even attack me.

So, I calmly and slowly lifted my right leg while balancing on my left and placed my right knee on her exposed left thigh, and slowly applied pressure to her left thigh with my right knee.

She dropped to the floor like “a ton of bricks” and emitted the most blood curdling scream I have ever heard.

I then left the house frustrated—and went fishing as previously requested—because I knew that no one who heard her scream would believe anything I said.

As I left, I saw Rebekah pounding down the stairs in her nightgown with war on her face.

MY CURRENT INTERPRETATION OF ALIYA’S ACTIONS:

There was a time when I felt resentment toward Aliya for having misinterpreted the situation—erroneously thinking that Hailey was being ill-treated and needed defending—and for her subsequent intervention and personal attack.

However, I have surrendered that resentment to my Higher Power who has taken it and has given me two new understandings.

The first is that Aliya was right—I was being manipulative and selfish. I was being manipulative and selfish because in raising my concerns with Hailey I did not apologize for my part first. Instead of first recognizing and apologizing for my part—I had been discourteous and short and rude to her and to Jonny—and for how my poor behavior affected her, I jumped ahead and began our conversation by explaining how her behavior affected me. This was manipulative because it placed me in a morally better position than I actually merited in the circumstances and in which I would have been placed in if I had instead begun the conversation by apologizing for my poor behavior first.

The second is that I am very proud of Aliya. She is the type of daughter any father can be proud of—though afraid, she stood up for what she thought was right and in defense of someone weaker than her that she felt was being wrongly treated. And, despite a counterchallenge and in the face of what she perceived as a realistic possibility of physical attack, she refused to back down.

I must repeat, I am very proud of Aliya for choosing to do what she felt was right in the face of fear.

MY CURRENT INTEPRETATION OF REBEKAH’S RESPONSE:

As with Aliya , I also initially struggled with Resentment over Rebekah’s response to the incident. I felt that it was unfair that she would call the police without first getting my side of the story.

Nonetheless, I have surrendered that resentment and my Higher Power has taken it from me. And, I have come to a new understanding and appreciation of her actions.

First, I now understand that Rebekah made the best decision she could with the evidence she had—including the many incidents in the past of my poor behavior and raging outbursts—while also trying to balance her competing loyalties and duties. (Loyalties and duties to her children and husband, which should never have been in conflict, but which my past behaviors had placed in conflict.)

Second, I also see her decisions that day and her subsequent decision to file for divorce—as well as her subsequent actions to carry out that decision—as clear evidence of her great bravery and trust in her Higher Power. Being willing to chart a new course, and to face the future without a husband—regardless of his flaws—and especially with seven children and while being totally blind and extremely hard of hearing would require so much bravery that I cannot adequately describe it with words. It is perhaps one of the bravest things anyone has ever done.